God’s vision for the family is part of the story of mankind. It began
at creation and was set out to as a reflection of the image of God and the
story of the Gospel, and God’s establishment of a Kingdom with a people, place,
and king. God’s vision for the family reflects this purpose, and it began when
God created Adam . . . .
After God (the King) made a garden (the place) and
then created man (the people) and placed him in it. And before he had made the
woman, he immediately gave him a task and a vision. . .
“The LORD God took the man and put him in the Garden
of Eden to work it and keep it.”
God had given Adam a purpose, a work, and a vision to accomplish in
establishing the Kingdom. God was the Author and the King of Adam’s vocation. Adam
did not set his own agenda. Adam looked to God for his vision and purpose. However
God knew Adam couldn’t accomplish this vision alone; dominion of the earth
could not be accomplished by one man. God said, “It is not good for man to be
alone”. And so God brought the animals before Adam in order to see if a helper
could be found to accompany Adam in his task. Yet Adam did not find a helper
fit for him among the creatures God had made. . . .
So God put Adam to sleep and created a helper that was
fit . . . a woman, someone who was bone of his bones and flesh of his flesh. And
when Adam saw the woman that God had brought him, he cried out in joy,
“This at last is
bone of my bones
and
flesh of my flesh;
she shall be
called Woman,
because
she was taken out of Man.”
(Genesis 2:23 ESV)
Finally, after all his searching, he “at last” found someone above all
the others who was a helper fit to accomplish God’s vision and purpose for
mankind. Among all the creatures there was none to be cherished by the man more
than the woman. In bringing the animals before Adam, first, God demonstrated
that Adam was to love and cherish his wife above all others. That is why it is
said,
“Therefore a man
shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall
become one flesh.” (Genesis 2:24 ESV)
From the very beginning, God intended that the wife would be cherished and
held fast by her husband. We see this vision for the family, later, as Paul and
Peter both look back to God’s purposes for marriage and have as their core exhortation
to husbands . . . love, value, and cherish your wives. God states, “she is your
companion and your wife by covenant” (Malachi 2:14b ESV). Husbands, your wives
are to be cherished, are to be held close, and to be your companion by God’s
purpose, design, and covenant. If a man does not love his wife, the man is in
rebellion against God. The wife is the husband’s companion in pursuing God’s
Kingdom.
God had given Adam a task and vision he could not
accomplish alone. And for this reason God made the woman. After presenting the
woman to Adam and bring them together, God blessed them both, added to Adam’s
vision and purpose, and gave it to them both, commanding them to “be fruitful
and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion . . . .” The
woman was created as a helper fit to help Adam to accomplish this command and
the work God had given her husband, Adam, in establishing the Kingdom. Without
her it would not have been possible. This too was God’s vision for the family
from the beginning. And again later, we see Paul and Peter also echoing this
vision as they both exhort wives to submit to and respecting their husbands. Proverbs
31 words it this way,
An excellent wife who can find?
She
is far more precious than jewels.
The
heart of her husband trusts in her,
and
he will have no lack of gain.
She
does him good, and not harm,
all
the days of her life.
(Proverbs
31:10-12 ESV)
“The heart of her husband trusts in her . . .” This at last is a helper
fit for man to be a co-heir, a partner, someone who will support Adam in
pursuing God’s vision. “She is far more precious than jewels.”
So the man is to
love and cherish his wife. The wife is to respect and support her husband. And
through this, they are to partner in accomplishing God’s vision. We see this
outlined by Paul, “But I want you to understand that the head of every man is
Christ, the head of a wife is her husband, and the head of Christ is God.”
Understand this . . . no one is allowed their own vision, except for God. The
wife does not have her own vision, nor does the husband. But each have their
roles in accomplishing God’s vision for the family. That is why as I have been
writing I keep referring to God’s vision. This is important. The purpose of
mankind is not to pursue its own glory, but to pursue the Glory of God. No one
is allowed to have their own vision, and to do so is rebellion. The husband is
not allowed to set his own vision for the family, nor is the wife allowed to
have her own vision for the family; both are to pursue God’s vision together. The
scripture teaches “For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever
loses his life for my sake will find it” (Matthew 16:25 ESV). Keeping this in
mind, let us look at the roles for the husband and wife further . . .
Man was created first. Adam also named the woman.
These were both signs of his authority. From the beginning the husband was
created to lead and to be the head of his wife. The husband’s headship was not
an afterthought. Paul makes this clear in 1 Timothy 2, when he appeals to this
as the reason for man’s authority in the church. Paul also refers to this fact
elsewhere, “For man was not made from woman, but woman from man” (1 Corinthians
11:8 ESV). The woman was given to the man because he could not accomplish God’s
vision without her. Adam needed his wife to succeed. Her support for God’s
vision was essential. It was part of God’s design to accomplish the vision God
had for mankind. And after God had presented the woman to the man, God “saw
everything that he had made, and behold, it was very good” (Genesis 1:31 ESV).
The roles God had established between the man and the woman were beautiful,
breath taking, splendid, grand, pleasurable, and life giving.
---
The role God had given the woman at the beginning was
intensely beautiful and imperishable. She is to be a support and help-meet to
her husband. The scripture says that the head of the woman is the man. The wife
is to look to her husband for instruction and value his leadership and
direction. God gave Adam his commandment, before He made the woman. Adam was to
speak God’s word’s to his wife. Paul describes how wives are to be cleansed and
sanctified by their husbands through the washing of the word (Ephesians 5:26).
Apart from God and the scripture, the husband should be the first and primary
source of sanctification and teaching for the wife. This is one of the reasons why
Paul states in 1 Corinthians 14, “If there is anything they desire to learn,
let them ask their husbands at home” (ESV). The wife is to look to her husband
in this, because he needs her. Her thoughts and concerns are precious, and as
she comes to him as her head, he also is sanctified and grows in the Lord. He
becomes more like Christ as she displays the beauty of the glory of God,
through her submission. 1 Peter 3 shows that the wife’s submissive behavior is
the most influential thing on a man’s heart. A wife has the strength to build
her home. As she comes to her husband and submits to him, God’s vision for the
family is strengthened.
Peter discusses the sanctifying power of a godly woman
and how her beauty can even change the heart of a hard, calloused, and ungodly
man (1 Peter 3). Peter describes a
beautiful woman as one who is precious, valuable, needed, and cherished both to
the husband and to God. He states, “but let your adorning be the hidden person
of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which
in God's sight is very precious. For
this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by
submitting to their own husbands, as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord.” Therefore,
beauty for a woman is having a gentle and quiet spirit. And this “gentle and
quiet spirit” is displayed by the wife’s submission and obedience to her
husband, by looking to him as her head and lord. In the letter to the
Ephesians, Paul states, “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives
should submit in everything to their husbands.”
Obedience and submission to the husband, is the
calling of God for the wife. Her vision should be caught up in supporting her
husband’s vision. “A virtuous and worthy wife [earnest and strong in character]
is a crowning joy to her husband” (Proverbs 14:2, Amplified). The bible
describes her as noble and strong. This is not the world’s idea of submission.
It is a submission and obedience that come from the inner beauty of a woman who
knows her God and intimately pursues His glory. The Proverbs 31 woman is a woman of ingenuity,
intelligence, wisdom, strength, and ability. She has the full trust of her
husband. “The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will have no lack of
gain.” Like Joseph, her husband does not need to concern himself with anything
under her care. “She does him good, and not harm, all the days of her life.” He
knows she will support him and his leadership in the vision God has given them
as a family. She is his partner and companion. She is his primary support and
council. No one, no man or woman, is better suited to help him pursue God. In
Proverbs 31, it states, “Her husband is known in the gates when he sits among
the elders of the land” (ESV). This is not a description of the husband, but a
description of what the wife has accomplished. Because of her support for her
husband, he is known and respected and influential. He couldn’t accomplish this
without her. God said, “it is not good for the man to be alone . . . .” The
scripture states, “The wisest of women builds her house . . .” (Proverbs 14:1a,
ESV). A woman partners with her husband to establish the home. And she can also
tear it down in foolishness. The wife has a lot of influence in establishing or
tearing down God’s vision for the family. The husband is not meant to do it
without her. He desperately needs his wife as a coheir and partner in the
Kingdom.
Paul writes in Titus, “Older women, . . . They are to
teach what is good, and so train the young women to love their husbands and
children, to be self-controlled, pure, working at home, kind, and submissive to
their own husbands, that the word of God may not be reviled.” The idea of
submission comes from God’s word which means it comes from the very heart of God.
He established the role of the wife at creation, and sustained it in the
scripture. God established the role of the wife, for God has a bigger vision –
the Gospel story of Christ and the Church. Paul states that the relationship
between a husband and wife is an image of Christ and the church, a husband or a
wife who fail to display their end of that image, are failing to display the
Gospel in their lives to themselves and to others, and the Gospel and the word
of God is at risk of being reviled. A Godly woman submits to her husband
because she has a deep understanding of the Gospel and the power of the Kingdom
of God. She has a love for God’s word and trusts her Father. The strongest
influence a woman has on her husband is her submission. It is imposing and
powerful, not weak. It is the strongest power to turn the heart of a
hardhearted calloused man to God. If this kind of man is going to change, the
strongest influence is the “quiet and gentle spirit” of a godly wife. And if
this is the case for an ungodly man, how much more so is this the case for the
godly husband. A godly woman is full of strength and influence and the wisest
of them will use that strength to support her husband and build her home.
Submission is valuing who God has made her husband. He can’t
do this without her . . . He desperately needs her. She is to look to him
because he can’t get it done without her
---
When mankind sinned the relational purpose of God for
the husband and wife became corrupted. Sin brought curses on mankind, one of
those being . . . “[Wife,] Your desire shall be for your husband, and he shall
rule over you.” (Genesis 3:16 ESV) Corruption entered the relationship between
husband and wife. The wife’s desire was no longer to serve her husband, but
instead was to devour her husband and thus corrupting her husband. And the
man’s sinful response to this affront would be to crush his wife and to neglect
loving and cherishing his wife, and thus destroying her. We see this same type
of wording in Genesis 4, when God speaks to Cain, “sin is crouching at the
door. Its desire is for you, but you must rule over it.” In the Hebrew these
two passages are identical. Sin desires to overtake devour Cain, but Cain
proper response is to crush and put to death sin. And it is in the fall, where
both the husband and the wife, because of sin, decided to take up and pursue
their own vision and purpose instead of God’s. Sin corrupted the love the
husband had for his wife; he no longer cherished her like he should. And the
wife no longer supported and submitted to her husband, like she should. God’s
vision for the family was corrupted because of sin, pride, selfishness,
argumentative spirits, harshness, and more took its place.
It is not God’s design for a man to crush his wife.
Nor is he a dictator. He is to portray Christ in His headship. And he is to be
under Christ’s headship.
“Husbands, love your
wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, that he might
sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so
that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or
wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. In the
same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his
wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and
cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his
body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his
wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” (Ephesians 5)
God’s design for man from the beginning was to
shepherd his family in the way of the Lord. Man was made to be the head of the
family. When mankind sinned God address Adam, “Because you have listened to the
voice of your wife . . . .” Adam put his wife’s vision above God’s vision. Adam
failed as the head of his family by failing to submit and obey to his Head and
Lord. He is to lead and protect his family under the vision of God. The man is
not allowed to lead by his own interests, desires or whims or the desires of
others. The husband is not allowed to
have his own vision, but has the duty of establishing the vision of God for his
family, by presenting the Word and the Gospel. The scripture calls husbands to
love, cherish, lay down their lives, and lead as Christ does the church. This
is a high calling, and is accomplished as the husband lays himself down
underneath the headship of Christ. The husband’s first allegiance is to Christ.
And through that allegiance to Christ, a husband can love his wife.
The scriptures paint a beautiful picture of the
enduring passion and enveloping love of a husband for his wife. The husband is
commanded to love his wife in the most intense and sacrificial way, with a love
that represents Christ’s love for His church, His beloved. God has commanded husbands
to sanctify their wives through loving her, by giving up of themselves for her,
and gently washing her with the word. Husbands, this is a romantic picture of
love. Imagine the physical picture of this and do this with you words,
emotions, and actions toward your wife. There is nothing more romantic. This
love is not weak, for the husband’s love comes from the strength of Christ. It
is a love that has amazing strength and integrity to it that does not
compromise on God’s heart for her, while still being full of tenderness. The
husband is to live with his wife in an understanding way learning how to
cherish and nourish her as his own body. Our words and actions should build her
up, not tear her down. The husband is to love his wife, by shepherding his
family towards the love of Christ, not himself. It is a love that firmly calls
us to deny ourselves, take up our cross, and follow Jesus. And a husband must
follow Jesus to be the husbands his wife needs.
Just as Christ's love is effectual in sanctifying our
hearts, the husband’s love through Christ will be the most powerful instrument
in changing his wife and helping her to grow in Christ. Even if she is an
ungodly woman, this is the story of Hosea and this is the story of Christ and
His church. So whether or not she is godly or not, the husband is to passionately
love his wife, knowing that this love is effectual. And even if she does not
change, the husband’s head is Christ, and he is to be faithful to the covenant
that has been made between him and his wife, through Christ.
The scripture describes wives as “cherished”, “delight
of your eyes”, “beloved”, “praised”, “more precious than jewels”, and “favor of
the LORD”. We are to love our wives above all others and hold fast to her. In Malachi God says that she is the husband’s
companion by covenant. 1 Peter 3 states that she is our co-heir. And husbands
are to treat their wives as such. The Lord states that he is a witness between
the husband and how he treats his wife, and will not listen to a man who does
not cherish his wife
“You cover the
LORD's altar with tears, with weeping and groaning because he no longer regards
the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. But you say, “Why does he
not?” Because the LORD was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to
whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by
covenant”.
(Malachi
2:13-14 ESV)
Likewise, husbands,
live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the
weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your
prayers may not be hindered. (1 Peter 3:7, ESV)
God expects the husband to cherish his wife. And if he
does not, his prayers will not be heard. This is sobering. The wife has been
given to the husband by God. The husband should not reject or treat this gift
with disregard. If he does so it is an affront to God. She is your companion,
cherished one, beloved by covenant. But this is the joy that God has given
husbands, to portray the love of Christ for His bride. And it is exciting,
because just as God has given you your wife, He also has established the
covenant between you and your wife and made you her husband. The covenant is
made by God and is fulfilled through Christ. A husband leads and loves his
family on his knees. And God is faithful and will efficaciously work through a
man who sincerely comes to him. And he says, “Come all who are weary.” It in
the work of Christ and under the headship of Christ, that a man is able to
lead. A Godly man is a man who presses into the gospel.
---
“This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it
refers to Christ and the church”. (Ephesians 5)
The relationship between a husband and wife represents
Christ and the church. It is a portrayal of the cosmic story of the Gospel. How
we treat our spouses reflects on this image. This story was set at the
beginning when the first man and woman were created. And we have the pleasure
of participating in that story in our marriages. We can have faith to believe
in the beauty, the wonder, and the romance of the story or we can go our own
way. But it is under the vision of God for the family that we find true romance
and become participants in something greater than ourselves.
