Could I

A few of the things I have learned this week

I don't know where God is leading me, but I can trust that He will lead me. And that As I seek His face and walk in integrity, He will make my path straight for me. And whatever happens, its ok to step out, because He will be there keeping me from stumbling. I don't have to be afraid.

We can spend our lives running after our dreams, or we can spend our lives trusting in God.

What God has told me.

I will not loose what I have committed to the LORD.

He will make a way where there seems to be no way.

Walk in integrity, wait patiently for the LORD.

. . . And He will uphold me in these things, because I can't.

Is my heart honest and genuine?

I had this written about me the other day, "I honestly believe that you have a heart that truly seeks to honor God! ...and I couldn't think of a greater compliment to give anyone than that." I don't know if this is true. When I look at my heart and my motives, I don't like what I see. There is a bunch of false pretenses and unhealthy desires. All my best motives are tainted by great sin. But what I have learned is that instead of looking to myself and trying to get my motives in right, I have to look to Christ. My sin, my false motives, my ugliness were born on the cross. And so I walk out not with any confidence that my motives are right, but in the confidence that Christ covers my sin, because my motives are not right.

When Isaiah saw the Lord, he got an honest and genuine look into who he was. And this man of God cried out, " Woe is me! For I am undone. I am a man of unclean lips . . ." God justifies and imparts grace to Isaiah, cleansing him of his sin. It is through grace that God sends Isaiah to minister and enables Isaiah to say,"Here I am! Send me." His grace is sufficient.

Running from the pain

Official first blog of the year :)

This year or so has been a year of learning that you can't run away from pain. The other day, I had something really tough happen to me that ripped my heart out. I don't know if it will ever get repaired. I haven't even figured out how to talk about it. I don't know that I want to. But right after that incident, I got hit with a ton of bricks. I went and sat in a place where the tv was turned on. On the show, there was a young child, whose parents had died violently. With his parents gone, he now had the responsibility of looking after his three younger siblings. He would often go without just so that they could eat. I just wanted to weep. How does a heart respond to that? How can a heart take it? I cried out to God, I want to be there, but I don't know if my heart can take it. I can't, I can't even take my own pain. But I think life is more than trying to be able to handle it. I don't know that we are always supposed to be able to handle it. Am I going to turn away my heart just because I can't sleep at night? No, I am going to press into the firm foundation that is Christ and I take the beating and weather the storm. By God's grace I will not run. I believe in life I can either protect my hear in relationships, situations, and hardships, or I can love. Love doesn't protect itself from pain, it loves even in the pain. It does not run away.

2 Corinthians 4:7-12
1 Corinthians 1:8-10
1 Corinthians 13
Hebrews 12:28-29
Luke 4:18,19

He opens our ears to hear.

A friend of mine came to me and we were talking about how sometimes I get frustrated, not so much because people disagree with me, but because people won't listen. I have known him for years, and he is a much loved brother to me. He told me that it is not so much that people won't listen, as much as they can't listen. He said that has been the case with him. Many of things I have said he was not capable of hearing it at the time. This was good for me to hear, and I hope it will help me to be more patient. God reveals His word not me, as much as I desperately long for people to hear it.

Gun fire

The last week or so there has been gun fire near where I live (something that is of course not unusual in this city and I am not in any danger). In some sense hearing the gun fire gave me peace. That might sound strange, but even if I were living away, I would still hear the gun shots in my heart. Not being here doesn't make the gunshots go away and it doesn't make them any less real. For me its harder to hide and still hear them, then to be here and hear them. But my feeling peace has convicted me. I shouldn't be settled with just living in this area. I have way too much pride. If I am not living out the gospel, that's no better than living somewhere else. I am still hiding. And so that is the question I pose to myself. As I frantically run trying to get things done, how can I present the Gospel? Right now, I don't know what I need to do, but with the Lord's help I would like to find out.

Whatever You're Doing

Hide and Sleep

I think this is funny. I used to do this with my brothers and sisters, except that it never worked that well :)

Birthday Wish

What do you do when you are told that God has said, “no” to what you want most?




I heard this story of a man who was engaged to be married. He had the life he dreamed of, but he risked it all to help a slave escape to freedom. For this, he was put away in prison for five years. His fiancé faithfully waited those five years. When he was released from prison after those five years, he immediately went and helped another slave gain their freedom and was caught again. He was put in prison for another fifteen years. Another man was put into prison for not denying the gospel. He was taken away from his beloved and his children. His daughter was blind and he did not know how his family would be provided for. He longed to be there for his family, but he could not deny the gospel. Another man was engaged when he came to Christ. He knew that he could not marry his betrothed if she did not know Christ so he talked with her and shared with her the gospel. She became a believer. The country was Muslim so to become a Christian meant severe consequences, so they agreed to escape and be married. She never showed up at the meeting place. Her family found out that she had become a Christian and gave her to a Muslim man to be his wife. He would never see her again.


As my birthday nears, I have been thinking about the desires of my heart. If I were to ask God for a birthday present, what would I ask for? I have desires that are so deeply rooted in my heart and that I long for so intensely that I cry out to God, “It is only by Your mercy and grace that I could survive if these were taken away.” I know I could look at my desires. I could ask God to give me the desires of my heart, but I know that that is not a real prayer. I am not asking him to do that. Instead I am asking him to make me more dependent on Him, to trust Him more. To hold on to that treasure that is deeper than the things of this world. To hear His voice. To hold fast and to cling to Him, who is my life.



Off to the English Civil War

Tell me not, sweet, I am unkind
That from the nunnery
Of thy chaste breast and quiet mind
To warlike arms I fly.

True, a new mistress now I serve
The first foe in the field
And with a sterner faith embrace
The sword, a horse, a shield.

Yet this inconstancy is such
As thou too shalt adore.
I could not love thee, dear, so much
Loved I not honor more.

---- Richard Lovelace


I must love God more than the desires of my heart, or I don't have anything. All is loss compared to him. Abba, I pray that you set this truth deep in the roots of my heart, and may my heart be dependent on Thee. Command what Thou wilst, and grant what Thou commandest. My heart is Yours, my Lord.

My Prayer for Marriage

o The Lord will have His rightful place, the first (the only) place. He is my first love.

o To live by faith

o To pursue others with faithfulness

o To honor my sisters

o To be pure, to be a man of honor

o That you will prepare my heart to be a home

o Lord, I want to be a one woman man, save my heart for my wife, and if or until I am married, Lord have my heart, in this.

o To trust that You will keep what I have committed to You

o To trust that You will meet my deepest needs and desires in this area

o You are the good Shepherd

o To lay it down at Your feet, to live fully as a single man - to commit myself to You (Being single is not to seek marriage, but to be free to seek the Lord undistracted, devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. We will pursue Him alone, seeking no other.)

failed

I have fallen and failed on so many levels in my life, lately. I hope those around me can forgive me. Where is pride? I have nothing I can boast in. I can try to pick myself up and strive to be the man I want to be. Try to falsely prove that I have worth in of myself. Or I can fall into my Lord's arms, into the arms of the only one worthy of praise.

O God, let the sweetness, of your Honesty, Confrontation, Discipline, Truth, and Healing come over me. Let your Love bring out Your heart in me. Let me become less and you become more.

"Deep calls to deep
at the roar of your waterfalls;
all your breakers and your waves
have gone over me."

heroes

My sister is fighting for her marriage. Her husband told her that he wants a divorce. What do you tell those women who choose to fight for a marriage even when they are being mistreated. Do you tell them, "God will make things better? Just have faith, things will be great." Or do you tell them, "I don't know what will happen, things may not be great, but God promises that He is with you, and even in the suffering He will be faithful, and in this you are so dear to Him. Press into Him."

There are stories of women, who have faithfully endured hard marriages for decades and continued to honor their husbands according to 1 Peter 3. There are not only wives in hard marriages, but many men and women in different situations who have chosen to suffer for the gospel's sake. Who are your heroes? I put these men and women, who did not pursue a better life, but instead one of a lifetime of suffering and faithfulness because they trusted God at His word, on my list of heroes.

1 Peter 2:18 says, "Servants, be subject to your masters with all respect, not only to the good and gentle but also to the unjust. For this is a gracious thing, when, mindful of God, one endures sorrows while suffering unjustly. For what credit is it if , when you sin and are beaten for it, you endure? But if when you do good and suffer for it you endure this is a gracious thing in the sight of God. For to this you have been called, because Christ also suffered for you, leaving you and example so that you might follow in his steps. He committed no sin, neither was deceit found in his mouth. When he was reviled, he did not revile in return; when he suffered, he did not threaten, but continued entrusted himself to him who judges justly. He himself bore our sins in his body on the tree, that we might die to sin and live to righteousness. By his wounds you have been healed. For you were straying like sheep, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer of your souls. Likewise, wives . . ."

I don't know what will happen to my sister or how strong she will be (I don't know if I would be strong enough, myself) and I definitely press into prayer that God will bless her and restore her; but more importantly I pray that God will uphold her to stand on His word. And I pray that instead of running away from the pain, that God will allow me to help her carry it however long it takes.

adventure

As I grow older I have learned adventure is not always found where adventure is; I have found that adventure is found in faithfulness, and that more then I could have dreamed.

piano

I want my life to be spent in this one thing. The cry, "Behold, the Lamb of God"

Beauty

Many years ago I watched this movie and one of the scenes stuck with me. The man had drawn a portrait of the woman he loved. When he drew the portrait, he didn’t hide who she was. The portrait was an accurate drawing of what she looked like faults and all. He showed it to her and explained that he knew her, he could see her faults, he didn’t have some fairy tale vision of who she was, but he loved her for who she was and that love was real. This is more than a fairy tale love. Its deeper and more real. And yes, I do want to love my wife this way, Lord willing, but, honestly, I do not know if God will give me a wife, but I do know that I can give this love to others. And I want them to know that Love.

fun

Two of my sisters had babies over the Summer, a boy and a girl. Recently, I went to go see my new niece for the first time. That sister already had a girl, who I thought was the greatest neice any uncle could have, so I was a little nervous about seeing this new baby girl. I couldn't see loving her more and I didn't want to have favorites. Funny, fear I know, but it was there. Anyways, I walked in the door and saw my new neice and instantly loved her and knew there would be no favorites. My other sister sent me pictures of my nephew and he is amazing.

Not only do I love them, but a huge hunger to teach them about God and what it means to walk with the Lord stirred up in me. To be there for them and establish a godly heritage. It was interesting, I've heard how father's are changed when they see their child for the first time. I think I understand a little bit of what that's like.

Good Shepherd

In my glimpse on how fleeting life is recently, the hardest thing for me in it was that if I were to die soon, I don't feel like I have done any ministry yet. I took this to Lord and talked with Him about it and I realized my discontentment at feeling like I would be taken before I did ministry was saying that He is not a good Shepherd. No, He is a good Shepherd, how could I deny that. And I know that whether in life or death, in ministry or no ministry, I can trust Him, and delight that His design is good for me.