This week has been hard. I feel like a dork. My emotions have been so disheveled and confusing. And my response to it has a desperation. I am feeling stuff and having fears that I know are wrong. I am ok and I know I am ok, because I have already given the situation to the Lord and determined to walk in integrity. And I will do my best to be bold and step up, however the situation turns out. But my emotions are a mess. A lot of fear and anxiety and foolishness that I know is foolishness, but my emotions aren't cooperating. And I am not impressed with my response. In fact I am frustrated by how I am responding. I hate it. I am mad at myself. I feel like a failure because I am not stronger. I feel like I am messing everything up because I am not stronger.
Why am I saying this. Well, read the Psalms. Our hope cannot be in ourselves. I have to hope in God. I wish I could walk this Christian walk as a strong man. But I am not. It is only by His grace. I have no good thing apart from Him. I don't trust myself, but I do trust Him. His work of redemption works here and now in my real life, in my real messed upness. And some how out of all this mess and the wreck that I am, He is my refuge and He will vindicate me and make me trustworthy. Not for my glory, but for His.
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