Just a quick note, I don't feel like I have written this very well. I hope to someday come back and rewrite it and better explain. I have decided to leave it though, because it is something that does need to be heard, and I hope people will hear the meat of this message.
The scripture exhorts us to treat each other as brothers and sisters and to encourage each other in the Lord. The scripture does not qualify this. In fact, we are called to grow in love. I believe when a courtship ends a friendship continues and grows. It does not end. Courtship is a time of determining God’s will for marriage between a woman and a man, however if that courtship ends, the pursuit of God’s will still continues. And it is God’s will that we continue to treat each other as brothers and sisters in the Lord, honoring each other and growing in love.
I have often been told that after a courting relationship that you can’t be friends. I don’t believe this. It contradicts the scriptures encouragement to grow in love. God has called us to a greater love than the world and a greater wisdom then the world’s. I think it is sad, how couples can treat each other after breaking up. I want to learn how to love my sister, in those situations. Why should I settle for less, knowing that God is with me? Listen, I know this is hard. I really do, I struggle as anyone else does. God’s way is often not always the easy way, but the way faith and trust. But it is always the better way. This requires learning to love with agape love. And agape love is something I don’t think I will ever regret. We could make excuses and say, “Yeh, but. . .what about this” I would say, “Yeh, but we only have this life as an opportunity to live these things out, to show God’s glory and to love each other in these situations. Let us be committed to press in and love each other with an agape love.” I don’t want to waste my life saying, "Yeh, but . . . ". Instead, I want to walk by faith, loving my brothers and sisters. I think we often run away, instead of standing in faith and love, committing our relationships to the Lord and laying our hearts and our relationships at His feet.
I came across this a few years ago:
“Properly define success. As Joshua Harris points out in his article, a courtship that leads a couple to engagement and marriage is not necessarily any more successful than a courtship that leaves the couple wiser but still single. Remember that the purpose of courtship is to seek God's will, not merely to get married. For this reason, a courtship God does not lead to marriage may not be a tragedy at all, and the church must be careful not to react as if it were. Singles whose courtships have ended short of engagement inevitably suffer disappointment and pain. When your heart is drawn toward romance, there is no way to render that relationship totally free of risk. But, because courtship balances passionate feelings with wisdom and discretion, singles can often withdraw from a courtship with hearts that have been bruised but not seriously wounded.
Few events can help a church grasp the real meaning of courtship better than one that ends without a proposal, but full of grace. What a witness these trying situations can be to a watching world! When the church is able to see God's goodness in these testimonies as clearly as it does in stories of dreamy proposals and teary weddings, it demonstrates a solid grasp of what successful courtship is all about.”
God is glorified when we chose to walk by faith and to love each other with an agape love. This is a witness to the world of the power of God. And this is a witness to ourselves that He is good in all things. Continuing a friendship after courtship will look different for different people, but the idea of continuing to grow in friendship and in love should always be there. If your heart is the Lord’s and you have surrendered the relationship to the Lord, He will lead you. He is a good shepherd. He is a good Father. He leads us perfectly, even when we are not perfect.
Continuing a friendship after a courtship does take a lot of maturity and faith. Relationships take a lot of work and learning to communicate, even without a courtship. It also takes a lot of prayer, reading the word, and Godly counsel. It’s work. I haven’t read it yet, but I have heard of a book called “Relationships, a mess worth making”. I completely believe this. I think after ending a courtship, it’s hard and it is difficult to remain and to grow in friendship. I think because it is difficult, people often choose to shut off their hearts, instead of going through a difficult period of readjusting to friendship. This takes agape love, a choosing to love, even in the hardships, and a choosing to trust God when your heart is being torn. But it is a mess worth making. It is so worth it – learning to love others as God intended us to love.
I said that I know it is hard. I know this from experience. I had just asked a girl, if I could pursue her in marriage. We had courted and returned to friendship for a year at the time and had had a healthy friendship for years (only a small part of that was courting). She said, “No”. It hurt. But God had spoken clearly, that He had called me to continue to love her as a friend. I knew this would be difficult, because the more I got to know her the more I wanted to pursue her. But I knew that this was God’s will for me, and I said “Yes”, trusting the Lord that he would hold my heart. So I gave my heart to the Lord, and chose to love her as a friend. And as I have surrendered my heart to the Lord, he has given me an agape love for her and the strength to obey Him and He has protected my heart as well. I can say that in obeying God and in surrendering my heart to Him, God is using this to teach me to love others in a deeper way. I am learning to love beyond the emotions. And I am thankful for the work God is doing in my heart. It has given me a deeper strength and determination to love others. I still have a lot to learn, but taking that step of believing God’s word, that he has called me to love, even when it is hard, has taught me so much. He has commanded me to love her as my sister, and I don’t regret that. Agape love is not something you regret.
Choosing to love and continuing to be a friend, doesn’t mean that the other person will want to continue to be a friend. They may only want a casual friendship of just being friends because your supposed to be, but without any real substance. They may back off, they may stop trusting in the friendship you once had. They may stop valuing you or respecting you. They may push you away. We live in a fallen world and no matter how much you honor someone and love them with agape love; they may not want to continue to grow in friendship. Don’t let your heart get bitter. And don't be quick to assume, the person may not even realize what they are doing. They may just be hurt. Or it just may be that at this time your not communicating very well. Sometimes when someone has wronged you it is best to be patient and continue to believe in them. Continue to honor them as a friend and to encourage them in the Lord. The scripture says that love is patient, not self seeking.
I have been on the other end, too; where I have had to say “no” to others who liked me. For me when a girl likes me, it is an honor. I feel blessed, because who am I that a girl would consider me worthy of being considered as someone she might marry. To me that is just amazing. So I don’t understand why or how someone could just push someone away that just honored them in this way. That to me is ridiculous. Yes, you want to protect their hearts, but pushing them away is not protecting their hearts. It’s treating them like their dirt. It’s disobeying God’s command to treat them as sisters. If a girl comes to me and lets me know that she likes me, one of the things that I try to establish with them is that, even though I have to say, “no”, I still deeply value them as a friend, and I am not going to treat them different just because I just found out that they liked me. I want to communicate to them the security that God has established in our sister-brother relationship. I let them know that to me it is not awkward and they don’t have to feel awkward around me. They are my friend and my sister and that has not changed. In these situations it is important that I am sensitive to what she is feeling and where she is at. I need to find out how I can protect her heart and encourage her as a friend and a brother. She may say, you know, when you do this it really draws out my heart, please, don't do that. And that is totally, ok. It may be that they need some time away, and that’s ok, too, just let them know that their value to you has not changed and you will their as a brother and friend when they are ready. The key is learning how to respond in a way that encourages the other person in love and looks to their interests and grows the friendship and your relationship as brothers and sisters. I can say this. I am thankful for the girls who have liked me and have decided to continue to be friends with me. I can’t imagine not being friends with them. They are my friends and my honored sisters.
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